New Rules for 2006
George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description of these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. Ifyou're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're ahuge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
I hope everyone is doing well!! I got this in an email & I had to share it, I hope you enjoyed it!! Take care!! Love always, MM XOXO
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description of these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. Ifyou're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're ahuge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
I hope everyone is doing well!! I got this in an email & I had to share it, I hope you enjoyed it!! Take care!! Love always, MM XOXO
posted by Mystical Me at 12:01 PM
11 Comments:
I got a good laugh out of this one.
Especially the baseball card rule. I used to collect those... still have most of them...
Since I no longer have to tweeze my eyebrows for men, I'll have more time to:
1~drink my flavored water (scotch and ice)
2~ eat twice the number of M&Ms
Awesome!
Oh yeah, now to get that chinese beef and broccoli tattoo lasered off my ass!
Hahaha
hahaha!! thank you so much for your comments, woman - - i've linked you too!!!
hugs & kisses,
~sadielady
Hey my luv!! this is so funny!!! I couldnt go without waxing my eyebrows, I would go nuts!! There is always that day when i look in the rear view mirror and immediately call my hairdresser and say fit me in tomorrow no matter what time. ha ha!
i also like the one about the baseball cards and the flavored water. flavored water has way too much sugar in it for me.
i hope you are doing well babe!!! xoxo
Oh boy that was dang funny! I can't pick my fav part but thanks...I needed the Birthday laugh!
Thanks again for the Birthday wishes! I have had a great relaxing day!
X-Molly
Oh how I love George Carlin...almost as much as I love you!
Glad you're feeling better!
alan
I always thought it would be cool for a girl to have a CHINESE boyfriend, and get his name tattooed across the top of her butt in ENGLISH--like, "Lee Duc Tran."
That would separate you from the pack of ass-tattooers!
The observation about people who special order coffee... so VERY true!
One of my gf's used to be a barrista. The nonfat-half-caf-half-decaf mocha capuccino people were ALWAYS the assholes.
This is great! The coffee one is hilarious--I was just thinking that yesterday while waiting for this guy to order his very complicated coffee, what an ASS!!! Where's your baby sweetie?
I always liked the one where he does the thing about "too much on your plate" ... "take something of your f___ing plate asswhipe" or ...
"What's this shit with Californians and carrying their bottled water everywhere, are they that g__damned dehydrated they have to take a personal water supply with them?"
Oh yeah ... almost forgot ... "What's this shit with all the medicines that you can't pronounce the names of their incredients ... ingest or smoke a few good herbs, and enjoy life."
BTW ... MM ... this weeks' highs have been in the upper 80's and we'll hit 90 on Saturday ... and you're in Kaliefourkneeya :( guess I'll have to find someone else to put the suntan oil on ... lol ... jk
XOXO
SE
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